


a break

by waywardmer



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 17:55:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17187659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waywardmer/pseuds/waywardmer
Summary: Whispered words as they walk back to their hotel room. Laughing and pushing each other against the walls of "the longest hallway that’s ever existed, I swear to god Dan this is longer than you", heavy breathing against each other’s necks, little smiles as they open the door to their shared room. The words that break Dan’s world.I need a break.





	a break

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if this isn't good, if it has typos and if some sentences don't make any sense. I'm not a native english speaker and this is my first attempt at writing fanfiction. I hope you enjoy it, but please feel free to share your opinion if you don't (either here or on twitter (@couragedjh)/tumblr (howellonpluto).

Dan can’t breathe. He is losing all control, his lungs are pushing way too hard against his ribs, his heart is probably about to leave his body, he’s sweaty and his legs hurt and he _really_ wants to die. In fact, he is dying. There, in a crappy pub in the middle of nowhere, Daniel Howell is dying and no one is noticing. His hands are aching again, aching to touch, to protect, to claim something that was never his. He can’t do it. He can’t because he’s the one that fucked everything up. He ran away, and he’s the one that deserves to feel the pain.

He knows Cornelia’s holding her hand against his back but he doesn’t dare to turn around, he knows he won’t be able to keep it together if he sees her tight and knowing smile, those wise eyes that seem to understand Dan better than he understands himself. Instead, he keeps looking at the rare view in front of him, as if he could make it disappear if he stares hard enough. He doesn’t even know if this is self-torture or just the hypnotising lights, but he can’t look away. Because Phil is kissing someone.

Phil is kissing someone and that someone isn’t Dan and honestly that’s unacceptable, isn’t it? If Dan was brave enough he would turn around and ask Cornelia, because he knows she would agree. It _is_ unacceptable and Wrong. Dan wants to scream and throw up all the shots he’s managed to swallow (three? six? at this point he doesn’t even know, Martyn has been shoving them down his throat since they entered the pub). He wants to disappear and he wants to die and he wants to walk to Phil and push the random person that he’s holding in his arms and yell at him because they were So Close to make it happen. Fuck.

Dan sees how Phil slides his hands down the person’s back and suddenly everything is blurry because someone has pushed him. He gets lost in the crowd. _Not lost._ Cornelia is still behind him, holding his shirt tightly and caressing his arm with her other hand. Dan sometimes likes to think that if she wasn’t in love with Martyn he’d like Like her. Well, and if he wasn’t in love with Phil. Kind, creative, intelligent, beautiful Phil. Clueless Phil.

 

Contrary to what all their fans claim to Know, nothing has ever happened between them, at least not the way they think it’s happened. Their friendship is something they have always treated like a masterpiece, something so rare and unique that it couldn’t be broken or touched by anything else. For years both of them have been touchy and maybe a little bit co-dependent, but that was it. And then Interactive Introverts happened and the whole world exploded under Dan’s feet.

He remembers the moment it happened, just after the first show in Brighton. They were sitting in their dressing room, one in front of the other, each of them holding a laptop and scrolling through thousands of emails that wouldn’t be replied that day. He could feel his brain twisting and plotting against him, the first show had been amazing and adrenaline still ran through his veins, but something else was trying to sabotage all the positive emotions, and that something was about to ruin their second show.

Before he knew it, he was closing his eyes and letting his laptop hit the floor. He could feel his legs and arms shake and all his skin burn. He needed to turn everything off. He could hear himself gasp and choke, but he couldn’t move. He couldn’t open his eyes, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t move. He was dying. He was about to die. On the other side of the invisible wall that separated him from the real world, he could sense Phil saying his name and holding his hands, like he had done a million times before. He couldn’t hear the words, but he knew Phil was there, and if that was the way he was going to go it was okay.

Ten minutes later the hole inside his chest closed itself, and when he opened his eyes he found himself on the floor, with his head on a pillow and Phil’s hands holding his very tightly.

“Too much pressure?”, Phil asked. 

Dan just held Phil’s hand harder. _No._

Phil was his anchor when things like that happened. He had been there for his worst episodes and had freaked out enough times that Dan had dragged him to therapy and asked his therapist to explain Phil what happened when he was There. Since that happened (and even before), Phil had been his unconditional support, and if they were inseparable before now they were just joined by the hip, to the point that Cornelia and Martyn had forced them to go out separately and spend time with other people. But still, Phil was Dan’s ultimate favourite human, and the only person he trusted after a panic attack.

And just like that, it clicked. It wasn’t a huge revelation or a big change in Dan’s brain, it was just a simple click. He wouldn’t trust anyone else, he wouldn’t love anyone else. Not like he _loved_ Phil. Dan was in big trouble.

 

Cornelia doesn’t waste any time, she drags Dan to the first cab she sees and gives the driver her address. Dan wants to protest, he needs to go home. He needs to know if Phil goes home, and if someone else accompanies him. He tries to protest, but when he turns around Cornelia is texting someone, probably Martyn, and when he tries to speak he realises his tongue feels too heavy in his mouth and he better shut up before he starts crying. Instead, Dan presses his forehead against the cold window and lets his breath hit the glass. As soon as he closes his eyes he can feel all the images he has tried to repress come back to him, and he lets them hit him with all their strength, because at this point everything has lost its meaning.

He remembers a drunk night, and being high on happiness and adrenaline and his best friend jumping next to him because _They Did It_. They finished the tour he thought would kill both of them, the bags under their eyes showing how close they have been to giving up. But they’re still alive, still here, holding each other as they always have, with shiny eyes and the biggest smiles and Dan is so, so in love with his life. Nothing could bring him down.

Whispered words as they walk back to their hotel room. Laughing and pushing each other against the walls of _the longest hallway that’s ever existed, I swear to god Dan this is longer than you_ , heavy breathing against each other’s necks, little smiles as they open the door to their shared room. The words that break Dan’s world.

_I need a break._

 

Because of course Phil needs a break. A break from insufferable, annoying, too loud Dan. A break from the Dan that is too depressed and too fucked up and too broken to feel alive again. A Dan that is just a shell of the shiny, golden boy he pretends he is for their audience. Phil needs to move on, he wants to move to his parents’ for a while, find the meaning of his life, go back to his roots and come back with new content and new anecdotes. He needs to figure out how to fit every puzzle piece in the huge box that is his life, and Dan knows he won’t fit in there anymore

They’ve talked about it, about how they need to finish Dan vs Phil, the Sims series, every single thing that they started to do together. They need to press pause for a while, slow down and remember who they really are on their own, not as _DanAndPhil_. And Dan knows, he knows Phil is leaving for good, so he has done what he does best, and he has left before the whole world crashes against his head.

For more than two weeks now he has turned his room into a sanctuary, and he has only left it to get food from the kitchen or have the occasional shower. And of course, to film the last gaming videos they need to upload before _the break_. They haven’t even announced it to their audience, even though Phil has been pushing Dan to do it since they came back from tour, in each and every liveshow they’ve done together. But Dan can’t do it. He can’t throw away everything he has ever wanted, he can’t let go of the only person he’s ever loved.

They had decided to go outside to celebrate the release of the Interactive Introverts dvd, and of course Cornelia, Martyn and Sarah had tagged along as soon as they texted the crew about it. They had ended up at a pub near Sarah’s house, laughing and talking about tour and just having a good time. For the first time in weeks, Dan thought all the break thing was just a vivid dream. Maybe Phil wasn’t sick of him, maybe it was just a nightmare. Phil held his hand when someone started screaming two tables behind them, knowing Dan’s fear of huge noisy crowds in places that aren’t under his control. Dan felt safe from the world while he laughed and shouted and had fun with his friends. Phil was there. He wasn’t going anywhere.

 

As soon as they make it to Cornelia’s, she takes Dan’s hand and pushes him up the stairs, all the way to the flat that she shares with Martyn. Everything reminds him of Phil, from the little cactus on top of the stairs to the blanket that’s covering half of the sofa, a blanket that he and Phil had used the last time they stayed there for the night. They had cuddled under that blanket, and Phil had hugged Dan tight against him when he had started shaking because he was too afraid of the future. The world’s still spinning and now that there is clear light he feels like he’s about to faint, but Cornelia is still there, holding his hand. He can’t panic in front of her. As much as he loves her, she’s not Phil, and if he has to repress all his emotions and become a shell again, he will. 

She walks them to the sofa and sits Dan down. The room is still spinning, the floor is shaking, and Dan feels like his insides are on fire. He chuckles, ironically. He feels _on fire._ Cornelia looks at him and that little tight smile Dan was running away from at the pub appears. She knows, she has always known, maybe even before him. She never confronted him about it, but he remembers how she hugged him when Phil told her and Martyn about their break. She knew all along, and as much as she’s Phil’s sister-in-law, she has always been closer to Dan, since in her words “he knows what it is to deal with a Lester.”

Dan won’t have to deal with a Lester for a while. Forever. Never again.

He feels the tears coming again, the dizziness making him fall against the fluffy cushions of the sofa, a sofa that doesn’t smell like Phil, like home. He finds himself talking. Just like when he has a panic attack or goes into one of his weird episodes, he can’t even hear what he’s saying. His brain is somewhere far away, and it has decided to take control of the situation this time.

“I don’t even know what’s going on inside my brain. One minute I’m too tired to even breathe, the next one I’m so angry I’d kick someone if I could, and the next one I’m soft and I miss it. I miss him Cornelia, I miss him and he’s there and I miss him, so much that I would walk to the end of the world to get him back, even if that meant ending my own life. I feel breathless all the time, hopeless, emotionally broken, I’ve been the happiest I could ever be and at the same time the saddest I’ve felt in years. My attachment issues aren’t helping either, they just pile up in the corner of my mind and attack me whenever he’s gone, which is all the time lately. He is leaving. I can’t live with that. I can’t live without him. I can’t live with this sinking feeling that keeps telling me it all has been a dream that was too good to be true, a very vivid hallucination. I know it wasn’t. I held his hand Corn, I felt his breath against my face so many nights, his cheek against mine while we slept together, all legs tangled up in a tiny bed in Manchester, in our first London apartment, when I was so lost I couldn’t find my own hands or my head. I cried on his shoulder and laughed against his neck and felt invincible when he held my hand in bed, on the tour bus, before all our performances, on a plane, in a cab on our way home. His smell and his voice and his hands wrapping around mind and his beautiful blue eyes feeling like the only home I’ve ever had. I miss everything. And I’m never going to have it again. I know I’m too emotional Cornelia, I get too attached and put my feelings out there for everyone to judge, and when everyone else doesn’t do the same I get scared. Scared because I know I’m not special, why would I be? Why would he love me? I’m just an insecure mess, an ugly curly haired weirdo with dependency issues, too much emotional baggage, trust issues and a dark sense of humour. And I know it doesn’t make sense, but it does. It does to me. He will never love me. Not like I do. Why would he stay? He can’t stay. He won’t stay.”

He knows he’s falling, he can feel his body hit the sofa, his legs sliding to the ground, but the pain isn’t coming. The world keeps spinning, and he can hear Cornelia shout his name. He can’t breathe, he can’t move. All he sees is darkness. The world is turning itself off. He’s disappearing. And he’s not scared.  


When he wakes up there’s a pillow on his head and a blanket covering his body. He can’t remember most of what happened last night. He knows where he is but he can’t remember how he got there. He knows he had a panic attack, but he can’t remember what induced it. Was it the lights? He remembers lights, too many lights. Lights blinding his eyes and being too bright and pointing at Phil and… Oh.

“Good morning Dan, are you feeling any better?”

Cornelia is sitting in the other sofa, holding a mug and still wearing yesterday’s clothes. The bags under her eyes are even worse than Dan’s after tour, and her smile is still too tight and too knowing for his liking. He remembers what happened but he doesn’t want to talk about it.

“I’m better now, yeah. I’m sorry for whatever happened last night, I was drunk and probably sad and…”

He doesn’t know what to say. She knows he’s lying, he can’t pretend with Cornelia. But he can’t say it either. He can’t admit the idea of Phil going home with someone that wasn’t him, the thought of Phil moving on and forgetting Dan, is destroying him from the inside.

“I know what’s happening Dan, I’ve known for a while. You know that, right?”

He nods and sits on the sofa, finally facing Cornelia.

“Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier for me.”

“I know Dan, but I need you to trust me. I don’t know what happened yesterday, I still don’t understand what happened to you. You couldn’t stop shaking or crying. You were calling for Phil in your sleep and I didn’t know what to do. I am worried Dan. I want to help you.”

“You can’t. No one can.”

Dan stands up and tries to walk to the bathroom, but Cornelia stops him and holds his arm.

“Dan, I’m not willingly letting you go. Neither is Martyn, and believe it or not, neither is Phil. He’s been worried sick about you for days now, he even called Martyn a few times because he doesn’t know what to do. He needs to know. We love you Dan.”

 “HE DOESN’T LOVE ME CORNELIA. HE DOESN’T AND THAT’S THE FUCKING PROBLEM BECAUSE I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM AND HE DOESN’T LOVE ME AND HE NEVER WILL OKAY? HE NEVER WILL!”

 "Dan…”

She doesn’t get to say anything, Dan runs to the bathroom, locks the door and throws up everything he drank last night. His head hurts and it feels like he’s been awake for years now, even though he woke up a few minutes ago. The room is spinning as he hugs the toilet and regrets every single life decision that’s taken him to where he is right now. Why did he fall in love? Why did he get so drunk and why wasn’t Phil there to stop him?

“Well, Phil was too busy making out with someone else”, he whispers, letting go of the toilet and pressing his head against the grey tiles of the bathroom floor.

He curls up into a little ball, letting the pain overwhelm him the way he didn’t want to before. He should have known Phil couldn’t love him, not like that. He should have known and yet he let his brain trick him into thinking maybe all the touching, the inner jokes, the gentle caresses and the heart eyes Phil sometimes gave him could mean something else. Of course they didn’t. Who could love such a wrecked excuse of a human?

 

 

Dan wakes up when he hears a soft bang on the wooden door, and he knows who is waiting on the other side. He stands up, watching his reflection on the mirror as he tries to wash his hair. He has huge bags under his eyes, his skin looks extra pale and his hair is sticky and tangled all around his face. He can’t be bothered to fix it.

Dan opens the door to find Phil standing on the other side, still wearing yesterday night’s clothes, red eyes and a worried look on his face. Before he can say something Phil opens his arms and Dan just can’t help it, he walks towards his best friend and lets Phil hug him. He smells like home, warm clothes and sweat and his best friend and he just needs him, in his arms, holding him and telling him he’s going to be okay.

  _And in a few days he will lose him forever._

Dan knows he’s crying again, this time against Phil’s shoulder, but he feels safe. He will have to face reality in a few minutes, but for now he just wants to enjoy having his favourite person with him.  


Sitting next to Phil feels too weird and he hates that feeling, and Cornelia and Martyn looking at them with worried eyes and awkward smiles is making everything worse. They all are drinking tea, even Phil, and everything’s so tense Dan doesn’t know what to do. Luckily Phil is still holding his hand, has been since they separated from their hug and walked to the living room. Dan makes sure to hold it extra hard when Martyn and Cornelia look at each other, stand up and leave the room in complete silence. Dan leans back into the soft cushions of the sofa and lets his head rest against them. The room isn’t spinning anymore but his head still hurts like hell, and he’d like to go home, jump inside Phil’s bed and sleep for three years. Phil would let him do that. Or at least he would have, before everything went downhill.

“Dan… I think we need to talk about what’s happening.”

Dan knew it was coming, and when he opens his eyes he sees Phil looking at him with a worried expression on his face. He wishes he could make it disappear, tell Phil that everything is fine and just go away. But he can’t escape, not again. Before he can agree, Phil speaks again.

“I need to get this out of my chest Dan. I’ve been worried sick about you, I haven’t slept at all for two weeks, you’re somewhere else. I miss you. I don’t know what’s happening or why you’re running away, but I can’t keep doing this, not anymore. Please talk to me.”

Dan swallows hard, feels the knot in his stomach go tighter because he knows what he’s about to say, and he knows it will change everything.

“I… I can’t do this Phil. I can’t. Ever since you mentioned the break… I know it will be good for us, or maybe it won’t, but I can’t do it. Just the thought of being there, on my own, without having you next to me, is driving me crazy. And I know that isn’t fair to you, because you deserve it more than anyone else I know. You’re so big and I’m so small and I’m so far away Phil, so far away from the whole world. Before I thought I could get to you, but I can’t. I’m hopeless. I can’t do a break, because that means I will lose you for good.”

Dan has teary eyes again and he hates it. He feels weak and vulnerable and he feels his nails dig into the palms of his hands. He won’t cry in front of Phil, not again.

“I thought this would be good for you Dan. I know… I _know_. That. Being away from me would be good for you.”

Dan’s world is falling apart. Of course he knows and of course he wants to leave. He doesn’t love him, he never did.

“I…”

“I know Dan. Let’s just… not make it more difficult, okay? We can talk about everything once we both go back home for the holidays and think and relax. Please. I don’t want you to go Dan, you’re my best friend.”

And that’s it, those are the words that break Dan. Because that is a lie. Phil wants to go away, he will move on, he will love someone else, he will forget Dan ever existed.

His brain goes on autopilot, he stands up and starts picking up his stuff while he talks.

“You’re right. Yeah. I need to go to my parents’ and figure everything out and think. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.”

He’s standing in front of the door, holding all his stuff and about to say goodbye to his best friend for what will probably be the last time.

“I know I was too much, I know I was a lot to deal with, and I am so sorry for everything. For falling for you, for letting you become my whole world. I promise you I will fix this. Please know I never tried to hurt you in any way, I was too dumb to see I was doing it anyway though. Bye Phil, have a great Christmas.”

With that, and not even letting Phil reply, he opens the door and closes it. His brain is still on autopilot, and as soon as he makes it outside and can breathe the fresh air or the morning, he calls the first cab that passes by and asks the driver to take him to the nearest train station. Midway there his phone starts ringing. _Phil._ He doesn’t even bother to reply, he just opens his old conversation with Phil and types a few words with teary eyes and a broken heart.

 

_I won’t be able to leave if I don’t do it this way. I’m sorry I loved you. Goodbye._

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it here, thank you for reading and I hope you're enjoying your vacations. <3


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